[ The way their bodies fit together is more reassuring than anything else Vax has been trying to cling to since the emerged from the tomb. Vex has twigs in her hair and blood and dirt on her hands and whispering quietly to each other in the dark could almost mean everything is as it should be.
Except it isn't. The uncertainty of the bargain he'd made keeps crashing Vax back down to reality every time he tries to put it out of his mind. He is quiet for a long moment, fingers moving in Vex'ahlia's hair, while he struggles between lies and truth. The truth will pain her. He knows this. None of what happened had been her fault (it's Percy's, Vax will never forget this.) and she doesn't deserve the weight of Vax's fear and disgust at what he's made of himself now. ]
I hardly remember, [ He says finally, very quiet. ] It didn't make much sense anyway.
Whatever terrifying entity he'd bound himself to, she did not make herself very welcoming in dreams. Vax's grip on his sister tightens very slightly. ]
It doesn't matter. I'm awake now. And you're here.
[ Alive. What did anything else matter when set against his sister's life? There was nothing so precious as that. ]
[ Vex scrutinizes him, silently, as his fingers move through her hair, freeing dark strands from the remnants of twigs and dirt. There is a conflict in his mind, she can see it on his face, in the way he speaks and yet doesn't at the same time. As though sparing her from the truth would protect her from some unseen force, or a unbearable hurt somewhere in the future.
It's frustrating. ]
You can talk to me, Vax. [ She picks at more threads. ] Please stop shutting me out.
[ A plea, quiet against him. She can't bear the thought he might shut her out, staying so far out of her reach. She blames herself for it, in part, for how hungry she had been at the prospect of treasure. If she had waited and helped Vax from the pit none of this would have happened. ]
It is not an unreasonable plea. He had even expected it from Vex, which is part of why he'd been so careful to stay out of sight. There had never been a time in their lives when they had kept things so deliberately from each other. Even when it came to his own confused feelings for Keyleth, he had never shut Vex'ahlia so completely away from him.
But this is different. ]
There's nothing to talk about.
[ Nothing that wouldn't make his sister feel guilty for what had happened. What is he meant to tell her? That he spends his every moment consumed by dread over what he has pledged himself to serve? It had been for Vex. He doesn't regret it but he does not find shouldering this burden easy. He doesn't want to see Vex's face crumple once she understands that. ]
It's just dreams. We have bigger things to worry about, don't we?
[ Dragons are a suitable diversion, he supposes. Easier than talking about how he's terrified. The comfort he can take from the way their bodies are tucked together in a familiar tangle will have to do for the moment. ]
Bullshit, she thinks, there is a lot to talk about. Things that Vax doesn't want to talk about, things he doesn't want to address because none of them completely understand what exactly happened. Vax offered his life in exchange for her own, bartered with a god, and maybe it worked? Kash's spell brought her back from the brink, breathed life back into cold skin.
Whatever comes of it, he shouldn't have to shoulder it alone. Vex'ahlia doesn't want him to shoulder on his own. ]
You're impossible.
[ Vex exhales defeated, shifting to look up at his face rather than the threads of his tunic. They do have so many things to worry about, though dragons are barely a better topic. ]
If we're not talking about dreams, we're not talking about dragons.
[ Vex's gaze lands on him like a physical weight. Vax sighs, fingers sinking into her hair, settling into the heavy drape of her braid. It's a prelude to undoing it entirely, as if by taking her braid down then reworking it carefully, neatly back into place he can then send Vex on her way and everything will go back to normal.
It won't. Vax made a deal that none of them understand, but he knows it's not something he simply turns his face from. And he senses Vex's need to help, but the idea of any part of this touching her again terrifies him. Her life feels fragile now. Suppose it's that simple to take her away again? ]
Then what are we talking about? [ Vax asks after a moment. ] It seems like those are the two most pressing topics these days.
[ Or they could simply sleep. She could sleep, and Vax would lay awake and wait for the sound of her breathing to drag him down as well. It's been a long time since they'd done that.
He never regrets any part of Vox Machina, but there are moments when he thinks of how simple their existence had been once. He'd wanted to do good. He'd wanted to be more than just a thief, and then more than just a mercenary, but he hadn't thought of just how heavy a burden that would be. He breathes out again along with Vex'ahlia, caught somewhere between an unwillingness to wish for anything else and a faint resentment over where his feet have carried him. ]
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no subject
Except it isn't. The uncertainty of the bargain he'd made keeps crashing Vax back down to reality every time he tries to put it out of his mind. He is quiet for a long moment, fingers moving in Vex'ahlia's hair, while he struggles between lies and truth. The truth will pain her. He knows this. None of what happened had been her fault (it's Percy's, Vax will never forget this.) and she doesn't deserve the weight of Vax's fear and disgust at what he's made of himself now. ]
I hardly remember, [ He says finally, very quiet. ] It didn't make much sense anyway.
Whatever terrifying entity he'd bound himself to, she did not make herself very welcoming in dreams. Vax's grip on his sister tightens very slightly. ]
It doesn't matter. I'm awake now. And you're here.
[ Alive. What did anything else matter when set against his sister's life? There was nothing so precious as that. ]
no subject
It's frustrating. ]
You can talk to me, Vax. [ She picks at more threads. ] Please stop shutting me out.
[ A plea, quiet against him. She can't bear the thought he might shut her out, staying so far out of her reach. She blames herself for it, in part, for how hungry she had been at the prospect of treasure. If she had waited and helped Vax from the pit none of this would have happened. ]
no subject
It is not an unreasonable plea. He had even expected it from Vex, which is part of why he'd been so careful to stay out of sight. There had never been a time in their lives when they had kept things so deliberately from each other. Even when it came to his own confused feelings for Keyleth, he had never shut Vex'ahlia so completely away from him.
But this is different. ]
There's nothing to talk about.
[ Nothing that wouldn't make his sister feel guilty for what had happened. What is he meant to tell her? That he spends his every moment consumed by dread over what he has pledged himself to serve? It had been for Vex. He doesn't regret it but he does not find shouldering this burden easy. He doesn't want to see Vex's face crumple once she understands that. ]
It's just dreams. We have bigger things to worry about, don't we?
[ Dragons are a suitable diversion, he supposes. Easier than talking about how he's terrified. The comfort he can take from the way their bodies are tucked together in a familiar tangle will have to do for the moment. ]
no subject
Bullshit, she thinks, there is a lot to talk about. Things that Vax doesn't want to talk about, things he doesn't want to address because none of them completely understand what exactly happened. Vax offered his life in exchange for her own, bartered with a god, and maybe it worked? Kash's spell brought her back from the brink, breathed life back into cold skin.
Whatever comes of it, he shouldn't have to shoulder it alone. Vex'ahlia doesn't want him to shoulder on his own. ]
You're impossible.
[ Vex exhales defeated, shifting to look up at his face rather than the threads of his tunic. They do have so many things to worry about, though dragons are barely a better topic. ]
If we're not talking about dreams, we're not talking about dragons.
no subject
It won't. Vax made a deal that none of them understand, but he knows it's not something he simply turns his face from. And he senses Vex's need to help, but the idea of any part of this touching her again terrifies him. Her life feels fragile now. Suppose it's that simple to take her away again? ]
Then what are we talking about? [ Vax asks after a moment. ] It seems like those are the two most pressing topics these days.
[ Or they could simply sleep. She could sleep, and Vax would lay awake and wait for the sound of her breathing to drag him down as well. It's been a long time since they'd done that.
He never regrets any part of Vox Machina, but there are moments when he thinks of how simple their existence had been once. He'd wanted to do good. He'd wanted to be more than just a thief, and then more than just a mercenary, but he hadn't thought of just how heavy a burden that would be. He breathes out again along with Vex'ahlia, caught somewhere between an unwillingness to wish for anything else and a faint resentment over where his feet have carried him. ]