[ How many days had it been? Three, four? Vex'ahlia lost count after the first, wandering the forest of Whitestone with Trinket at her side. A small hunt, a few hours that turned to days. It was easier to think out there, amongst the dirt and the trees. Or not to think at all, easier to lose herself in the hunt and block out all else. But no matter what she tried the pressure would always come back, the weight of death and the deal made with an unknown god.
It terrifies her to think some being may take Vax'ildan from her, a life for a life. There are times it weighs upon her harder than any stone, any crumbling ruin. A chill that slips into her bones and reminds her of her own mortality. How much time do they have left to live? Dying itself doesn't scare Vex, but not living never fails to send a shiver down her spine. It's why she left, without really telling anyone, and disappeared into the forest. That chill had come back, setting in deep within her. Reminding Vex of the deal, of her life, of all the things she hadn't said or done.
Three, four days later Vex'ahlia returns in the dark of the night Trinket at her heels. Stealth was out of the question with him at her side, still she managed to at least keep the guards from waking Percival or Cassandra. No need to interrupt their beauty sleep. Vex makes for their rooms, intent on curling up and sleeping for maybe another two days. That had been the intent until she got to Vax's door. It has been years since she last crept into his room, not since those early days in Syngorn when it was nothing but them and a city of elves. Vex loathed sleeping in that large room all on her own, it was cold and uncomfortable and lonely.
Vex opens the door quietly, Trinket nudges it open the rest of the way before flopping at the foot of his bed. She sets her weapons side, bow and quiver leaning against a wall, armor removed placed down beside them. This is stupid she thinks for a brief moment, scratching Trinket behind the ear, climbing up onto the bed. They aren't children anymore and yet an irrational fear in the back of her mind draws her to this. To curl up beside her brother, her twin, and listen to the sound of his heartbeat. To make sure he's still here.
She'll have to apologize to Cassandra later for getting blood and dirt all over these nice clean sheets, but nothing can get Vex'ahlia up now. Exhaustion finally seeping into her worn limbs. ]
[ They're all processing what happened in their own way. Percy vanishes into his workshop. Pike prays to her goddess. Grog terrorizes the new recruits. Keyleth hovers, worried and watchful. Scanlan sees himself into Whitestone's library. No one talks about what happened, neither Vex's near-death or Vax's promise or the fight that came after even though Percy wears the bruise in vivid purples and greens on his cheek the entire trek back to Whitestone.
Vax doesn't talk about it. But he dreams. Vex'ahlia gives him back the armor they drew from the tomb and he puts it on, but a weight comes with it. He bargained for this. He asked for this. (Take me instead.) Vax doesn't regret it. He could never, ever regret it, but he's finding it very hard to look his sister in the face just now, so he doesn't. He vanishes from her sight, and he doesn't complain when she takes Trinket and slips into the trees. In the meantime he exhausts himself in the training room, and lies awake most nights, but there's only so long he can avoid the inevitable. Sleep will come. The dreams will come. She will come.
He dreams of threads. He dreams of Her face, looming over him. Her voice rings in his ears. He is paralyzed by it, like prey scenting a far larger predator bearing down on them. Each dream reminds him: something very old and very powerful has laid a claim on him. He imagines he can feel it in his chest, as if the threads from his dreams are tied neatly around his heart and cinch tighter with each passing moment.
This night, he drinks terrible liquor with Grog and Keyleth and Pike. He was hoping, when he finally staggers back to his room, that he would pass out and see nothing, but he sees Her anyway. When the mattress dips beneath him, he startles awake with the terrible sensation of falling, clammy with sweat, and has a breathless moment of confused fear when he realizes someone is in his bed that only abates when he realizes— ]
Hello, Stubby.
[ His voice is very quiet in the dark. He thinks of getting up, but instead curls towards her. They slept like this as children, a pair of closed parentheses. His knees knock hers. He takes a breath, exhales slowly, letting the clashing impulses settle into tired resignation. She is here. He wants her here. There will be no avoiding her this time. ]
[ Vex can tell they'd been out drinking, can smell the fading remnants of the last terrible liqour they had decided to drain Whitestone of. Coping, she thinks, a wiry smile finding her lips. But it fades quickly as Vax startles awake, breathing sharp as though he woken from some sort of terrible nightmare. Was it of the tomb? Of climbing out of that pit to see Vex's lifeless body surrounded by all their friends? She doesn't ask, of course, because it's not exactly time.
Instead she curls into him, just like that used do when they were children. It fills her with a warm sense of comfort, reaching out to press her hand against his chest. For a moment Vex lets his question hang in the air, listens to his breathing, feels his heart beat against the palm of her hand. ]
My room is just too far.
[ A lie, an excuse, one she doesn't even believe herself. ]
And Trinket was starting to miss you terribly.
[ Vex'ahlia was starting to miss him terribly. She left of her own accord but there had been distance before that, ever since she gave him back the armor. It was hard not to notice how he would avoid her gaze, avoid her, slipping from her sight the moment whenever she looked away. Frankly, Vex hated it. Hated the chasm that started to form, the way Vax simply stopped talking to her. ]
[ He can hear Trinket snuffling, getting comfortable at the foot of the bed. Combined with Vex tucking herself in against him, it's incredibly reassuring. He can almost trick himself that they're far from here, back in the past when it had been the three of them and they'd been worried about simply surviving. There hadn't been anything more dangerous than whatever the Clasp sent him to handle and whatever Vex chased down in the trees.
But that's not their life anymore.
Without any prompting, Vax loops his arms around her. She still fits, tucked neatly against his chest. He knows without asking that she's listening for his heartbeat. He doesn't flinch, remembering how desperately he had pressed his fingers to the hollow of her neck to seek a pulse. The memory of her on the stone rises, unbidden, to the forefront of his mind. He'd only been gone for a moment. That was all it took for everything to change. ]
No.
[ Could he lie to her? No. But he dreads the question that follows: what woke you? ]
You smell like the forest, [ He says instead, nose dipping to her hair. ] Was it a good hunt?
[ The words are stilted. It betrays the truth of things: both of them are preoccupied with what they aren't saying, with what's terrified them into silence and scared Vax into the shadows. ]
[ Things were simpler then, they didn't have to worry about much other than the Clasp or whatever dangerous awaited them in the forests─ well, as simple as it could be. But things changed, their family grew larger and so did the dangers they faced.
Vax's arms wrap around her and she breathes in, tucking herself even closer to his chest. She feels the rhythmic thud of his heart under her fingers, counts the beats for a moment before breathing out. Her body relaxes as the breath leaves her, head nuzzling in close to Vax's chest. Still here. ]
No?
[ A lie, of course, they both know it. But he speaks again before she has the chance to query further. ]
Yes, it was. [ Vex frowns, her hand starting to play with the threads of his tunic. They can't avoid it forever, as much as he may want to. She hates that he is so far away, hidden in shadows he doesn't want to leave. ] I'm hoping what we brought back will distract the others from being mad.
[ Trinket finally settles down at the end of Vax's bed with a final grumble. ]
[ The way their bodies fit together is more reassuring than anything else Vax has been trying to cling to since the emerged from the tomb. Vex has twigs in her hair and blood and dirt on her hands and whispering quietly to each other in the dark could almost mean everything is as it should be.
Except it isn't. The uncertainty of the bargain he'd made keeps crashing Vax back down to reality every time he tries to put it out of his mind. He is quiet for a long moment, fingers moving in Vex'ahlia's hair, while he struggles between lies and truth. The truth will pain her. He knows this. None of what happened had been her fault (it's Percy's, Vax will never forget this.) and she doesn't deserve the weight of Vax's fear and disgust at what he's made of himself now. ]
I hardly remember, [ He says finally, very quiet. ] It didn't make much sense anyway.
Whatever terrifying entity he'd bound himself to, she did not make herself very welcoming in dreams. Vax's grip on his sister tightens very slightly. ]
It doesn't matter. I'm awake now. And you're here.
[ Alive. What did anything else matter when set against his sister's life? There was nothing so precious as that. ]
[ Vex scrutinizes him, silently, as his fingers move through her hair, freeing dark strands from the remnants of twigs and dirt. There is a conflict in his mind, she can see it on his face, in the way he speaks and yet doesn't at the same time. As though sparing her from the truth would protect her from some unseen force, or a unbearable hurt somewhere in the future.
It's frustrating. ]
You can talk to me, Vax. [ She picks at more threads. ] Please stop shutting me out.
[ A plea, quiet against him. She can't bear the thought he might shut her out, staying so far out of her reach. She blames herself for it, in part, for how hungry she had been at the prospect of treasure. If she had waited and helped Vax from the pit none of this would have happened. ]
It is not an unreasonable plea. He had even expected it from Vex, which is part of why he'd been so careful to stay out of sight. There had never been a time in their lives when they had kept things so deliberately from each other. Even when it came to his own confused feelings for Keyleth, he had never shut Vex'ahlia so completely away from him.
But this is different. ]
There's nothing to talk about.
[ Nothing that wouldn't make his sister feel guilty for what had happened. What is he meant to tell her? That he spends his every moment consumed by dread over what he has pledged himself to serve? It had been for Vex. He doesn't regret it but he does not find shouldering this burden easy. He doesn't want to see Vex's face crumple once she understands that. ]
It's just dreams. We have bigger things to worry about, don't we?
[ Dragons are a suitable diversion, he supposes. Easier than talking about how he's terrified. The comfort he can take from the way their bodies are tucked together in a familiar tangle will have to do for the moment. ]
Bullshit, she thinks, there is a lot to talk about. Things that Vax doesn't want to talk about, things he doesn't want to address because none of them completely understand what exactly happened. Vax offered his life in exchange for her own, bartered with a god, and maybe it worked? Kash's spell brought her back from the brink, breathed life back into cold skin.
Whatever comes of it, he shouldn't have to shoulder it alone. Vex'ahlia doesn't want him to shoulder on his own. ]
You're impossible.
[ Vex exhales defeated, shifting to look up at his face rather than the threads of his tunic. They do have so many things to worry about, though dragons are barely a better topic. ]
If we're not talking about dreams, we're not talking about dragons.
[ Vex's gaze lands on him like a physical weight. Vax sighs, fingers sinking into her hair, settling into the heavy drape of her braid. It's a prelude to undoing it entirely, as if by taking her braid down then reworking it carefully, neatly back into place he can then send Vex on her way and everything will go back to normal.
It won't. Vax made a deal that none of them understand, but he knows it's not something he simply turns his face from. And he senses Vex's need to help, but the idea of any part of this touching her again terrifies him. Her life feels fragile now. Suppose it's that simple to take her away again? ]
Then what are we talking about? [ Vax asks after a moment. ] It seems like those are the two most pressing topics these days.
[ Or they could simply sleep. She could sleep, and Vax would lay awake and wait for the sound of her breathing to drag him down as well. It's been a long time since they'd done that.
He never regrets any part of Vox Machina, but there are moments when he thinks of how simple their existence had been once. He'd wanted to do good. He'd wanted to be more than just a thief, and then more than just a mercenary, but he hadn't thought of just how heavy a burden that would be. He breathes out again along with Vex'ahlia, caught somewhere between an unwillingness to wish for anything else and a faint resentment over where his feet have carried him. ]
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i've arrived
no subject
It terrifies her to think some being may take Vax'ildan from her, a life for a life. There are times it weighs upon her harder than any stone, any crumbling ruin. A chill that slips into her bones and reminds her of her own mortality. How much time do they have left to live? Dying itself doesn't scare Vex, but not living never fails to send a shiver down her spine. It's why she left, without really telling anyone, and disappeared into the forest. That chill had come back, setting in deep within her. Reminding Vex of the deal, of her life, of all the things she hadn't said or done.
Three, four days later Vex'ahlia returns in the dark of the night Trinket at her heels. Stealth was out of the question with him at her side, still she managed to at least keep the guards from waking Percival or Cassandra. No need to interrupt their beauty sleep. Vex makes for their rooms, intent on curling up and sleeping for maybe another two days. That had been the intent until she got to Vax's door. It has been years since she last crept into his room, not since those early days in Syngorn when it was nothing but them and a city of elves. Vex loathed sleeping in that large room all on her own, it was cold and uncomfortable and lonely.
Vex opens the door quietly, Trinket nudges it open the rest of the way before flopping at the foot of his bed. She sets her weapons side, bow and quiver leaning against a wall, armor removed placed down beside them. This is stupid she thinks for a brief moment, scratching Trinket behind the ear, climbing up onto the bed. They aren't children anymore and yet an irrational fear in the back of her mind draws her to this. To curl up beside her brother, her twin, and listen to the sound of his heartbeat. To make sure he's still here.
She'll have to apologize to Cassandra later for getting blood and dirt all over these nice clean sheets, but nothing can get Vex'ahlia up now. Exhaustion finally seeping into her worn limbs. ]
no subject
Vax doesn't talk about it. But he dreams. Vex'ahlia gives him back the armor they drew from the tomb and he puts it on, but a weight comes with it. He bargained for this. He asked for this. (Take me instead.) Vax doesn't regret it. He could never, ever regret it, but he's finding it very hard to look his sister in the face just now, so he doesn't. He vanishes from her sight, and he doesn't complain when she takes Trinket and slips into the trees. In the meantime he exhausts himself in the training room, and lies awake most nights, but there's only so long he can avoid the inevitable. Sleep will come. The dreams will come. She will come.
He dreams of threads. He dreams of Her face, looming over him. Her voice rings in his ears. He is paralyzed by it, like prey scenting a far larger predator bearing down on them. Each dream reminds him: something very old and very powerful has laid a claim on him. He imagines he can feel it in his chest, as if the threads from his dreams are tied neatly around his heart and cinch tighter with each passing moment.
This night, he drinks terrible liquor with Grog and Keyleth and Pike. He was hoping, when he finally staggers back to his room, that he would pass out and see nothing, but he sees Her anyway. When the mattress dips beneath him, he startles awake with the terrible sensation of falling, clammy with sweat, and has a breathless moment of confused fear when he realizes someone is in his bed that only abates when he realizes— ]
Hello, Stubby.
[ His voice is very quiet in the dark. He thinks of getting up, but instead curls towards her. They slept like this as children, a pair of closed parentheses. His knees knock hers. He takes a breath, exhales slowly, letting the clashing impulses settle into tired resignation. She is here. He wants her here. There will be no avoiding her this time. ]
What are you and my nephew doing in here?
no subject
Instead she curls into him, just like that used do when they were children. It fills her with a warm sense of comfort, reaching out to press her hand against his chest. For a moment Vex lets his question hang in the air, listens to his breathing, feels his heart beat against the palm of her hand. ]
My room is just too far.
[ A lie, an excuse, one she doesn't even believe herself. ]
And Trinket was starting to miss you terribly.
[ Vex'ahlia was starting to miss him terribly. She left of her own accord but there had been distance before that, ever since she gave him back the armor. It was hard not to notice how he would avoid her gaze, avoid her, slipping from her sight the moment whenever she looked away. Frankly, Vex hated it. Hated the chasm that started to form, the way Vax simply stopped talking to her. ]
Did we wake you?
no subject
But that's not their life anymore.
Without any prompting, Vax loops his arms around her. She still fits, tucked neatly against his chest. He knows without asking that she's listening for his heartbeat. He doesn't flinch, remembering how desperately he had pressed his fingers to the hollow of her neck to seek a pulse. The memory of her on the stone rises, unbidden, to the forefront of his mind. He'd only been gone for a moment. That was all it took for everything to change. ]
No.
[ Could he lie to her? No. But he dreads the question that follows: what woke you? ]
You smell like the forest, [ He says instead, nose dipping to her hair. ] Was it a good hunt?
[ The words are stilted. It betrays the truth of things: both of them are preoccupied with what they aren't saying, with what's terrified them into silence and scared Vax into the shadows. ]
no subject
Vax's arms wrap around her and she breathes in, tucking herself even closer to his chest. She feels the rhythmic thud of his heart under her fingers, counts the beats for a moment before breathing out. Her body relaxes as the breath leaves her, head nuzzling in close to Vax's chest. Still here. ]
No?
[ A lie, of course, they both know it. But he speaks again before she has the chance to query further. ]
Yes, it was. [ Vex frowns, her hand starting to play with the threads of his tunic. They can't avoid it forever, as much as he may want to. She hates that he is so far away, hidden in shadows he doesn't want to leave. ] I'm hoping what we brought back will distract the others from being mad.
[ Trinket finally settles down at the end of Vax's bed with a final grumble. ]
What were you dreaming about?
no subject
Except it isn't. The uncertainty of the bargain he'd made keeps crashing Vax back down to reality every time he tries to put it out of his mind. He is quiet for a long moment, fingers moving in Vex'ahlia's hair, while he struggles between lies and truth. The truth will pain her. He knows this. None of what happened had been her fault (it's Percy's, Vax will never forget this.) and she doesn't deserve the weight of Vax's fear and disgust at what he's made of himself now. ]
I hardly remember, [ He says finally, very quiet. ] It didn't make much sense anyway.
Whatever terrifying entity he'd bound himself to, she did not make herself very welcoming in dreams. Vax's grip on his sister tightens very slightly. ]
It doesn't matter. I'm awake now. And you're here.
[ Alive. What did anything else matter when set against his sister's life? There was nothing so precious as that. ]
no subject
It's frustrating. ]
You can talk to me, Vax. [ She picks at more threads. ] Please stop shutting me out.
[ A plea, quiet against him. She can't bear the thought he might shut her out, staying so far out of her reach. She blames herself for it, in part, for how hungry she had been at the prospect of treasure. If she had waited and helped Vax from the pit none of this would have happened. ]
no subject
It is not an unreasonable plea. He had even expected it from Vex, which is part of why he'd been so careful to stay out of sight. There had never been a time in their lives when they had kept things so deliberately from each other. Even when it came to his own confused feelings for Keyleth, he had never shut Vex'ahlia so completely away from him.
But this is different. ]
There's nothing to talk about.
[ Nothing that wouldn't make his sister feel guilty for what had happened. What is he meant to tell her? That he spends his every moment consumed by dread over what he has pledged himself to serve? It had been for Vex. He doesn't regret it but he does not find shouldering this burden easy. He doesn't want to see Vex's face crumple once she understands that. ]
It's just dreams. We have bigger things to worry about, don't we?
[ Dragons are a suitable diversion, he supposes. Easier than talking about how he's terrified. The comfort he can take from the way their bodies are tucked together in a familiar tangle will have to do for the moment. ]
no subject
Bullshit, she thinks, there is a lot to talk about. Things that Vax doesn't want to talk about, things he doesn't want to address because none of them completely understand what exactly happened. Vax offered his life in exchange for her own, bartered with a god, and maybe it worked? Kash's spell brought her back from the brink, breathed life back into cold skin.
Whatever comes of it, he shouldn't have to shoulder it alone. Vex'ahlia doesn't want him to shoulder on his own. ]
You're impossible.
[ Vex exhales defeated, shifting to look up at his face rather than the threads of his tunic. They do have so many things to worry about, though dragons are barely a better topic. ]
If we're not talking about dreams, we're not talking about dragons.
no subject
It won't. Vax made a deal that none of them understand, but he knows it's not something he simply turns his face from. And he senses Vex's need to help, but the idea of any part of this touching her again terrifies him. Her life feels fragile now. Suppose it's that simple to take her away again? ]
Then what are we talking about? [ Vax asks after a moment. ] It seems like those are the two most pressing topics these days.
[ Or they could simply sleep. She could sleep, and Vax would lay awake and wait for the sound of her breathing to drag him down as well. It's been a long time since they'd done that.
He never regrets any part of Vox Machina, but there are moments when he thinks of how simple their existence had been once. He'd wanted to do good. He'd wanted to be more than just a thief, and then more than just a mercenary, but he hadn't thought of just how heavy a burden that would be. He breathes out again along with Vex'ahlia, caught somewhere between an unwillingness to wish for anything else and a faint resentment over where his feet have carried him. ]